I woke up neither happy or sad, stressed or calm. I just was if that makes any sense. Unsure of what to make of this feeling (or lack thereof) I felt a walk would best clarify my clouded thoughts. I wanted to just sort through my head and make sense of everything happening in my life. Last week a lot of things happened that were hard for me to wrap my head around and so I needed to understand why these things were difficult for me.
Lately I have been feeling like I am in a strange middle ground between adulthood and youth and it is an interesting internal conflict that I am sure most other 20 year olds are going through as well. An overwhelmingly large part of me is screaming: you are twenty years old, you don't need help and you should figure everything out on your own! And I want this; I want to be able to know myself so thoroughly and completely that every bump that comes along I can work through systematically and handle in a mature manner. However, this has been really hard for me and is proving to be more confusing than I planned on. I have always considered myself someone who is rather in touch with my thoughts and emotions, so why am I still wanting to get my parents advice on matters? It is a strange feeling of wanting to assert my independence and do things on my own and then realizing that I am not necessarily at that point in my life. I feel that since I have now reached my twenties, I should have life and everything figured out perfectly. But that is not what the reality is and that is what is so scary to me. I remember as a child thinking that twenty was so old and that twenty was the 'real grown-up age', but when I think about myself now, I don't feel like a grown-up. Being in school is so incredibly rewarding and challenging and stimulating, but at the same time is so limiting to the outside world that it is a struggle to find the balance between independence and needing a little parental advice.
I have come to the conclusion that it is okay to not have everything figured out. It is hard in college where every student seems to have their life plan figured out and already five steps ahead of tomorrow, but in the end it is okay to not know the answer to everything. Chances are, all the other students are feeling the same way. I think what is important is to keep your life in perspective and take every day one step at a time. Whether it is school, friends, family, or everything that is proving to be challenging, the best way to find yourself is to find a perspective that makes it all fit together. In life, there is SO much more to focus on than the next internship or what your friends think. I feel that if I live my life in a way that continues to help me grow and figure out who I am, then I am on a good path. The rest will come in time, because that is what happens and that is okay.
So for now, I am just going to take life as it comes because what else is there really to do?
This was quite a ramble, but hopefully it is relatable in some ways.
xo,
Alexandra S.
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